I’m angry. I’ve been sick. And because of that, I am angry.
I’m not angry at myself. It’s not my fault I’m sick. I’m angry at how I’ve been treated.
First things first, fuck Kingfisher Surgery with all my heart. I wish everyone there nothing but the worst.
Alright let me explain why I just made that statement.
Since February, I’ve been experiencing excruciating pain. At the time of me writing this, I've been suffering from this undiagnosed pain for 5-6 months.
This pain includes:
Pain above the top right of my rib cage
Loss of appetite
I’ve been to A&E, Ambulatory Care, the GP and the walk-in hospital. I’ve done it all. Please I do not need advice.
What I need is care. Pain relief would be great because I want to be able to get on with my life. A hug would be handy because I have been crying endlessly due to how much this pain has been reducing my quality of life rapidly. Most importantly, I need care from all my practitioners. A “How are you”, or “Are you OK?”. Some people call it bedside manner.
Instead, all I’ve gotten from each doctor is dismissal from doctors “not in pain enough”. Granted, I sort of understand why as A&E has been the eugenic hotbed for the UK since the start of the pandemic. A lot of patients that go through there are being transferred to hospice care to silently die to not drive up deaths with hospitals. Or a more sympathetic analysis is that due to understaffing, lack of resources and bad treatment of staff - practitioners can’t concentrate on anyone that doesn’t present with evident diagnosis.
I have less bitterness towards A&E because even though they can’t physically “help me”, they’ve mostly been lovely to me. They’ve stopped me crying, they’ve given me instructions of what to say.
My ex-GPs have done no such thing.
I’ve been lectured about the hippocratic oath, chastised, completely dismissed to the point of hysterics. The second time I had my emergency GP appointment, I ran out in tears, crying loudly. All I received were gaunt stares from onlookers and staff passing me by quietly. Granted they might not have known why I was crying. Why not ask?
And mind you, I’ve not *just* been asking for pain relief. Funnily enough, if I was treated or seen to earlier, I wouldn’t have to ask for strong pain relief…I digress.
I’ve been asking for referrals. I’ve been asking for someone to look into the reasoning for my pain. And they’ve “done” that. By getting all the information wrong, not listening to any of my symptoms and moving me down the line.
Now, I'm on opium. I don’t want to be. But I have to be. I am now dependent on it due to the dismissal of most of the doctors who’s care I’ve been under.
I have been dismissed so much and if you have someone in your office or whatever and they are in distress, the least you can do as a doctor is ask them “how they feel - why are you upset?” or “Is there anything I can do to help, let's brainstorm”. Why not help me understand what's going on with my own body rather than dismiss me? Why not refer me to something called pain management, which is a specialist service that deals with pain rather than dismiss me. Rather than not helping.
The pain in February was dull. Now the area around my liver feels like it’s going to burst. I’m scared of developing sepsis or some long-term form sickness.
The NHS has done nothing for me recently and it hasn’t done much for many chronically sick patients. Maybe it’s (co)vert operation to privatise the NHS, but why is no one fighting for it? Why don’t you protect the people in your care?
Writer's Note: I just had a conversation with an independent doctor and another traumatic conversation with the doctor chastising me for "choosing" to not go to work. As if I can choose when I'm in pain. Is every company going to be like this? I was only recently singing the praises of my 9-5, and then they upset me with this doctor who has to report on my well-being. Another appointment with me in hysterics. Their conclusion: get back to work. Fuck me.
I want to leave you with the a line of my song Burden which deals with the disposability of disabled people:
“Is it shyness? Or cowardice?/ Do they intercept?/ Will you at least mourn the death of me?
I won’t hold my breath”.
Watch my unscripted discussion about my sickness journey on YouTube.