Updated: Jul 31, 2021
These past 24 months have been a lot of things. I've learnt a lot about myself, I've made new friends, I've lost some of the closet people to me (and of course...the panorama is still rearing it's ugly head).
But 2 years ago, I decided to create a podcast as a personal diary. I think I was lying to myself when I said "I wanted to document this period of my life". Granted, I have some very fond memories through that podcast and I've made some lifelong friends. But instead, I truly believe I made the podcast to pretend that I had control. At 21, I was poor, I lost my group of uni friends and (I thought) I was alone. The podcast gave me routine, solace and sometimes just a laugh.
One episode I recorded, around June 2019, I talked about the time I was sexually harassed by my teacher, Jon Shone at ICMP. The episode itself was clunky and all of the place but it needed to be done.
I don't think anyone in my immediate friendship wanted to understand how much I was hurting so they cut off all contact with me. Their university experience was their identity and in their heads, the key to have a successful music career (because teachers have their favourites and of course they have contacts to the big record companies right!!?...). That's where the loneliness came in.
The episode didn't break any numbers. I got a few condolences from friends and family. Then I went on about my business.
In June 2020, after a plethora of incidents and a pandemic later, I was still suffering from the incidents at university. I ended the podcast because of my sudden onset of heart issues - I physically couldn't keep up with the demands of producing a podcast. So I put it back to the one thing that I adored, writing music. I wrote "Someone I Never Wanted". The song sounded...fine. Fred made it 100% better. I wouldn't of released it if it wasn't for him producing the song for me. It did feel weird singing about my sexual harassment but similarly it felt cathartic. This felt I had a bit more control then I did previously did.
And now it's July 2021. It's the week of my release and I'm scrambling for content to post to promote my single. I'm scrolling through Instagram memories tab and I'm reminded that a year ago today I had written this song. Two years ago today, I posted the #UniMeToo podcast online. I do think coincidences do happen but this doesn't feel like that. This feels like me finally getting the control I wanted 2 years ago.
Yes, Jon Shone is still doing talks at the uni even though they knew that he is a danger to the students there. Yes, my ex-university friends do not acknowledge my existence or if they do, I'm the "crazy bitch who made up lies to garner attention because she's not talents enough" (I heard it). But I am taking back control my narrative. Finally.
Someone I Never Wanted, my first single, is out on Friday 16th 2021 on all streaming platforms.